When I have a day or two, or even just several hours like that, it's really hard to remain positive and focused. I don't always deal with it well. I seem to flit between wanting to shut myself away (physically or metaphorically; avoiding everyone or, if out, being 'invisible') and wanting to ask someone for help. The latter, if by the 'great' 21st century methods of communication, isn't always helpful. It's not always possible to see someone I'm close to and trust enough to talk to when I need that kind of support, so I end up sending a text message, which on most occasions makes me appear whiny. It's not possible to communicate tone or to elaborate. Imagine if the vast majority of our interaction was through Tweets. 140 characters to let those closest to you know how you are on a really tough day. Ridiculous, non? So why do so many people try to do so through the (slightly longer, but equally impersonal) text message?
However, I can handle difficulties far better than I used to, on many occasions. Alongside a couple of people I used to work with, I used to draw myself out of a tough work day using, that's right, the Internet. If typing 'fat cat' into Google didn't make us smile, we knew we'd had a really awful day in the office. It mainly did make us smile, and how could it fail?
He looks a bit like Max with a glandular problem. I don't know whose copyright this is.
I can also reason things far better than I used to be able to. If I'm panicking about something, I can often stop myself mentally and ask what exactly is wrong, and whether I can do anything about it immediately. It's not a fail-safe, and there are nights (like just before interviews, annoyingly) I simply can't sleep. My mind may be in many places, even if I'm not feeling overly panicky or sad, but taking a (metaphorical) step back, and attempting to rationalise a situation (much harder to do when it comes to my own thoughts or worries than others') can help immensely.
What caused me to feel as though I were held together only by stitches? Various things. I knew that if I didn't have the awful unemployment and financial worries, the potential for drama and upset in other areas of my life would have been far more manageable. I've got into some very stupid situations in the last few months and I neither desire nor need the trouble. There are a couple of things I'd like to rectify, not least because I'm partly to blame for the fact they need to be rectified. And with these I'll try, but frankly if they're proving to be consistently difficult, I'll question whether they're worth it. It's during the toughest times that we show our potential - our strengths, stamina, flaws and resilience, and friends prove themselves, or prove that they're less worth it, possibly even fair-weathered.
Although I've felt a lot better this week, I wanted to try to write a few words about it, because when it happens it can be scary and dark, and I can find it increasingly difficult to communicate this. I'm incredibly lucky that these occasions are infrequent and don't last as long as, for example, they often do for bi-polar sufferers. Last week, I remembered a letter Stephen Fry had written to a girl named Crystal, who had written to her hero in desperation as she tried to battle depression. The letter's reproduced on Letters of Note (a fascinating website), and a comment I read about it elsewhere made me wonder whether its publication in 2009 has led Fry to regret writing it. I hope not: remembering that 'like the weather... [these feelings] will pass' has helped me and, I imagine, will continue to help others immeasurably.
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